Coward
by Celestia Memora
Summary: The reason why Snape is the way he is, and why he changed sides... [oneshot]


This is just one shot, so it's not really a more than one chapter story, its just a memory of Snape's explaining why he went back to Dumbledore's side in the middle of the war to be a spy. Yeah. Any who lets move along.

-Cellie-

Coward

There I was, running through halls I used to know so well, sights of long ago embarrassments and trials, which now seem so foreign. Dumbledore's detectors would get me, because I didn't wish to harm anyone in the castle.

Another thing that was foreign to me was what was now streaming down my face. Tears. I promised myself from a very young age never to show emotion. It weakened a person, and that person would be more susceptible to Voldemort's powers. I must always be stone faced, no emotion showing ever, have no emotion to show. But for a while now, I have been breaking my promise.

I didn't mean to fall in love. There she was, raven-haired, reminding me very much of my mother. Strong willed, never letting go. It wasn't supposed to happen. How would that look, me, in love, no scratch that, infatuated with a woman from the other side? We had her as a prisoner, and I was to bring her her bread and water. It could have been stomped out then. After all, I only admired her then, admired her will. But no. I had to make a conversation. It didn't start as much. Only conversations, enjoying each others company.

But by the end of the month, I was sneaking down at night to give passionate kisses, and eating less to give more of my food to her. I was blinded by love, something I had once promised myself I would never be. When it became obvious, I suppose Voldemort decided I was being distracted and she needed to be disposed of. Just thinking of that made me angry. _Disposed of?_ I thought angrily. _Is that all she is to anyone but me? Just an object to be disposed of?_

They summoned me to the high hall. I wasn't worried, I was to busy thinking about her, whistling to myself, something I did a lot then. I still remember the contempt on the Dark Lord's face.

"So, Severus, I hear that the prisoner you take care of is getting some kind of, special treatment." He said, with his twisted evil snake-like smile. "You cannot be distracted during this very crucial time in the takeover. She must be disposed of." I lost it.

I threw myself to the front of his chair. "NO!" I said, sobbing, surprising God, Voldemort and everyone else in the room, including myself. "Please spare her!"

After he got over his initial shock, he smiled lazily, and said, equally lazy, "Contain him." Two of my colleagues bound me and tied me to a large statue of Salazar Sytherin. Then she was brought in. I felt like crying. She was beaten, and used in more ways than one. There were long lashes across her back, arms, legs and shoulders. She couldn't walk but was dragged. My heart ached to see her like this.

"Bring her closer." He said. He raised his wand, and pointed it at her. I knew what was coming. But I couldn't move. I was frozen to the spot. Such a coward. Then he spoke the words, the words that would seal her future for eternity. "Avada Kedavra." I fell apart. I sobbed my heart out. I reached my wand, slashed through the bonds and apparated to just outside the Hogwarts grounds. And I began to run. And that's where I was now.

I found the door to Dumbledore's office. I didn't have his password, but I guess it sensed it was important. I banged on his bed room door. "Please! Please! I need to talk…" and I dissolved into tears, sliding down the door, crying into my hands.

"Need to what?" Said Dumbledore, coming in his door across the room. He stopped dead, and then noticed I was crying. "Severus?"

"I just want it to end…" I said, sobbing.

"What happened?"

"I shouldn't have let myself…" talking to myself now, "but then it was too late to change, and she... then I just stood there, like a coward…" I angrily tried to wipe the tears out of my eyes to somehow reclaim my dignity, but they just kept flowing. "Why couldn't I have…?"

"Severus, you couldn't have done anything." Dumbledore said, now understanding. "It wasn't your fault."

"I'm tired of being on a heartless side and hiding my emotions. I want to help. I'll be your spy."

"Are…are you sure?" he said, stuttering for the first time I had heard him.

"Incredibly."

"Well then…" said Dumbledore, his beard twitching, "See you at the next meeting. I'll send you an owl." I began to go out the door. "And Severus…" I stopped and turned around. "Is there anything else you want to talk about?" I shock my head no, trying to reclaim some of my former formidable side.

"Good bye." I said, and I set off to apparate back to the manor. Back to my curse.

!#$%&()!#$%&()!#$%&()!#$%&()!#$%&()!#$%&()!#$%&()!#$%&()!#$%&(

Well, that's it. SO REVIEW!!!!!!! Pu-lease!!!!

Cellie


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